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I was at a friend’s 30th a few months ago and as it always does, the conversation turned to having children. She lamented how she couldn’t possibly imagine being pregnant because she barely could take care of herself. She has both a steady career and relationship. Now, could she just be saying this in jest? Sure, but it felt like there was something behind her words.
Everyone rallied behind her echoing similar thoughts of feeling like a child, like we were collectively floundering around in open waters. We all pay rent, have stable careers, partners and leases on our cars, we know who to call when the sink suddenly leaks and what to do if our car pops a tire. I didn’t get it, if this is not adulthood, what is?
I think about age a lot. Probably an unnecessary amount, but when you’re in the latter half of your twenties and everyone is either getting engaged or announcing their pregnancy, it’s hard not to look at the timeline and trajectory of your next few years.
I think of the markers you collect on your way to “adulthood” — getting a job, moving away from your parents, getting married, buying a house, and having kids — these are how we societally define adulthood. And when people take too long to hit each of these stages it becomes a reason for the older generation to bemoan the habits of the youth and complain that no one acts their age nowadays. Many young adults still feel like kids trying on their parents’ shoes, their feet swimming around in oversized loafers.
Navigating life in your twenties and thirties is a complex, tangled web. It’s no longer just a single line from A to B to C. It’s a tango of moving backwards and forwards, left and right. It feels like a multiple choice test where you have about seventy options to choose from and any one of them can change your life entirely. You leave University with a stack of debt and under the guise that you’re ready for the real world, but in reality, you’re still just a kid. A kid in big shoes. I don’t think anybody in their twenties knows how to do their taxes properly. Or understands what renters insurance is.
We have cultural celebrations that are age dependent and define what level of adult we are. The extravagant quinceañeras, the bar mitzvahs, and Catholic confirmations are, in theory, are celebrations that announce you emerging as an adult. In practice, in today’s society, even after those celebrations are over, they are still kids dependent on their parents. High-school and college graduations are ceremonies designed to showcase that you’re ready for the next stage of life — you get the a slap on the back and the classic “You’re an adult now, son” speech as you leave home for the first time.
I sometimes see those videos of older generations being interviewed on the streets and they’ll say that they bought their first house for something like £40,000. They’ll claim that we need to stop “buying avocado toast and coffees” because that’s so obviously where our spending is going and the main reason why we can’t afford anything. Older generations want to look at emerging adults and compare us like for like. They’re applying what they could do at 23 to what we can do today.
But I think they’re missing a key element. The world has changed. I think adulthood, and how we enter this stage of life, has changed. It’s not about hitting those clear markers anymore, it is a gradual movement. The transition is not grand gestures, not the stuff you post on Instagram and brag about to friends, it’s the quiet changes: it’s taking care of your parents, making difficult financial decisions, it’s taking one step forward and two steps back, it’s learning to independently care for yourself and consider your influence and role to others. Part of being an adult is people treating you like one, and taking on these roles can help you convince others—and yourself—that you’re responsible.
I look at my friends as we sit around the dinner table together laughing about how unadult we all are. They’re wrong. We are adults. We may not always feel like we’re doing the right thing, but I don’t think anybody does. Adulthood is not the the micro-tasks that we do everyday, it’s larger than that. It is shaped by our own individual traits and how we approach, and handle, life as a whole.
I think it is tough for young people now. My college education cost me very little, because government thought it was a good idea to invest in the education of low-income kids like me. I emerged with no debt. My masters degree required a $5000 loan, which I paid back over 10 years. It is hard to juggle everything. In the states, the cost of day care is just nuts and government does little to help. I help out my daughter with the cost but so many don’t have the back up. The world is both more complex and expensive today than when I was in my 20s. Just know you are doing the best you can, and that is enough.
This is a fascinating topic for me. I’ve posted a similar question in the past as a discussion thread, and have received several very interesting responses.
I agree with you that it’s mostly the small stuff that eventually morphs you into an adult, and I’d like to add that these changes add up over time and eventually, when we look back, we’ll find ourselves surprised by how much we’ve grown up and matured.