This is a letter correspondence series between writer Collin from Collin’s Corner and me, Natalie. We will be writing to each other weekly, rotating topics as we go. You can find my response here at On the Verge; Collin will be writing his response on his Substack.
Links will be added as the letters get published: letter 1, letter 2,
Collin,
Here is what I would say about dating apps. It’s full of trial and errors and it’s terribly faulty and terribly fun and I’ve kissed plenty of frogs who didn’t turn into princes, but I found mine in the end.
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I consider myself shy and introverted. My personality lends itself to being a listener, someone who is curious and asks questions, which means modern dating wasn’t kind to me. Especially in person. In a crowded bar, I would never dare approach anyone. In a club or a house party, I would likely be in the corner holding a friend’s drink. In college, dating apps were my holy grail - it allowed me to curate a profile, I could put my best qualities out there rather than be seen as that wallflower hanging around by the coats. I could strike up a conversation more easily and even if there was no response, I could hide behind my phone because they didn’t really know who I was anyways. I could handle online awkwardness and embarrassment because it didn’t feel real. Nobody was witness to my falsely flirty commentary.
I’ve used Tinder and bumble and all sorts to meet guys - that was what everybody did. With the fear of meeting the ‘wrong guy’ in person, using apps was sort of a great way to screen people for their looks and personalities, especially when I wasn’t looking for anything serious. You’ve said dating apps encourage you to look for your preference, but I think we all have preferences regardless of apps. It’s just easier to swipe left on someone online, that’s all. Looks are the very first thing that we notice about a person - whether they’re tall, short, blonde, brunette, bald, hairy - we’ll spot this right away and we don’t need an app to do that. If a guy, who didn’t fit the idea of what I thought of as handsome or good-looking, made a beeline for me in a bar, I'd be trapped talking to this guy. He could have an incredible personality, but the sexual attraction and chemistry wouldn't be there. And that is fairly fundamental to a relationship. Do I sound like a dick? Maybe, but I think that’s how people select who they want to be with.
You’ve mention that the best relationships you’ve had have been built from authenticity, how do you define that? Is it “bumping” into someone in a bar? If you have a mental model of who you want to date, won’t you have this model in your head regardless off if you date online or in-person?
As a whole, apps have changed the landscape for dating. It’s made it easier to reject, to judge, to ghost. The rate at which people download and delete dating apps has become second to online gambling - it’s incredibly addictive to use. More than that, it’s changed how people develop emotional maturity, how they interact with others and how they set their expectations - which I think is far worse than just being bad at dating.
We’re now so used to conducting our life - let alone our dating life - through our phones, when we’re out we almost never think of meeting anyone in person anymore. I can’t remember the last time someone approached me at a party, or when I did the same to someone else. When a friend says that they’ve met someone new, the first question isn’t “where?” it’s “what app did you use?” I get it though - we worry if it’s inappropriate, if we might say something wrong or that the other person isn’t interested, or worse, to experience in-person embarrassment. We’ve forgotten how to handle a bit of awkwardness because it’s viewed as social suicide to be even remotely odd. Apps remove all of that - they say an inappropriate comment? Ghost them. Make a bad joke? Throw in a laugh emoji. We’re able to get away with a lot more online with apps than without them, and maybe it’s time we relearn these social cues. And I’m 100% guilty of this. Who wants to be publicly ghosted?
The question of is there a ‘best form’ of dating app, I don’t think so. Dating app companies will continue to try and outperform each other to be the best app out there: Schmooze attempts to match singles based on their humour. Happn let’s you find the people you've crossed paths with in real life, and The League, on the other hand, is meant to be the Harvard of app, notoriously difficult to get onto because of it’s extreme elitism - as if we need more of that in our world.
For those who don’t suffer from swipe fatigue, dating apps definitely create this notion that if you swipe for long enough, the perfect match will materialise. Regardless, no amount of app development is going to fix the issue with the dating market which is that at some point you’re going to have to get face-to-face. The perfect soulmate can’t always be found online.
While I can spin a tale of negativity with dating apps, like I said before, I’ve kissed plenty of frogs who didn’t turn into princes, but I did find mine in the end. B and I met on Hinge - the app “designed to be deleted.” It’s worked for us, which I boil down to our compatibility and witty banter rather than the app. I suppose that’s what apps can do for you, it can close distances between people who you would not normally meet. I lived in the countryside with my parents and he lived in the city. 15 miles of great British road stretched between us, what would be the chances that we end up in the same bar on the same night? That would require the involvement of fate, and I don't know about you, but I don't believe in that.
I look forward to reading your next letter. What shall we discuss next?
Best,
Natalie
interesting