me, myself and my average life
what two hours of sitting in traffic will do to you
In normal everyday life we are always engaged, our minds always active. Driving is one of the rare times when you can almost go on auto-pilot. A small part of your brain focuses on the driving, your defences come down and the rest of your mind is left free to wander.
Last week was one of those times. One moment, I was mindlessly driving through Chelsea, and the next I was wondering how different my life would have been had I pursued a psychology degree instead.
Between the fifth and sixth set of traffic lights on my long uninteresting drive to work, I had the increasingly nagging realisation that I may have, quite possibly, just maybe, chosen wrong in life - that I had settled for something utterly… utterly…boring.
Just like that, a wave of anxiety swept through me, making me question all my former choices in life. In that moment, I felt an uncontrollable jolt through my body - the realisation that my life felt unbearably average.
But, supposedly, I’m doing all the right things. I’m being an adult. But I still had this urge to scream. I craved stories and adventure.
I wondered what life would have been like had I stayed in Boston. Or if I pursued psychology over journalism? Or if I actually used my journalism degree, would my name be the byline on the front page news? What if I had pursued photography and made a hobby into a career?
In a complete other world, I imagine that I would’ve done anything to open the coffee shop dream I have. I could’ve thrown everything at it, given it my heart and soul just to see it come to life.
It’s a dangerous thing, though; that deep rabbit hole of what could have been is long and winding. It’s this dark abyss that sucks you in. You’re forced to rationalise whether where you are right now is where you should be; whether what you are doing right now is something you want to be doing. I don’t think I ever wanted to be a project manager for a tiny start up in London, but somehow I just ended up here. It’s a safe bet; it’s dependable, a stable career.
I had always assumed that when I graduated University, I would remain in Boston. It had been a place that became home. But in the end, family, money and securing a visa, made the decision for me. I packed everything I owned in ten moving boxes and went back to the UK, a place that was foreign territory to me. Somehow the post-graduate free-wheeling life I had wanted, sharply dissipated into a depressing reality. My first “proper” job was in Construction PR - yeah, that exists. Perhaps I can blame television for giving me loftier aspirations than what my life ended up being.
Pulling the handbrake, I realised I had driven on auto-pilot all the way to the carpark. But I didn’t move. It took me by surprise how much I had completely ignored this topic; how much I’d refused to acknowledge that itching feeling that was now overwhelming me. I started to wonder about all the possible realities I could’ve chosen and thought: did I choose wrong?
On reflection, I suppose we will always question whether we made the right choice. And maybe, at the end of the day, there isn’t one.
I think that if I lived a more flexible life, I’d crave more stability. And those with more stability are just as likely to crave flexibility. We appreciate the regular, the boring, when we try something new. The newness could be anything that we seek out when we want to break up the mundane. It’s nice to take a step back and appreciate those things we now take for granted.
If I can take the harboured emotions and invest it into something worthwhile, whether that be a new hobby or travelling, then I can temper the desire to blow up my entire life in pursuit of something more exciting and be happy with those things that I easily forget about.
But, I can’t help imagining sometimes.
I wonder whether somewhere, in the same space that I live my life, there’s a parallel life running alongside it; a life where I had chosen a different path, made different mistakes, lived completely differently. Would I still be thinking I had chosen wrong? Probably so, nothing in life is ever certain and our lives are hitched onto the very decisions that we make. Each decision, like a spider web, is connected to other avenues, other decisions which then connect out even further. There’s something romantic about that. To think of all the possibilities life could have. Maybe I’m not living the utterly boring life I thought I was.
I started this newsletter as a creative space to reignite something I once loved doing and it’s been so enjoyable to think about these topics deeper than just in the confines of my journal. Maybe one day I’ll muster up the courage to write the short fiction novel I’ve always wanted.
Who knows?
Have you ever thought about the possible lives you could’ve lived? If so, what happened? Let’s chat below.
I always wonder where I’d be if I did so many things differently so really loved reading this! I often wish I could see into the future to get reassurance on decisions 😂
I watched Look Both Ways this weekend on Netflix (super easy watch) and it’s very similar to what you wrote about and the different futures/what ifs etc - really recommend!
I loved this Natalie! It definitely took me back to the times I’d drive for hours to and from work and also think the same types of things.. I wonder if I .. what if I didn’t do.. sometimes they were lovely thoughts and others made me realise how smart I was in some of the decisions I made too! Thank you for bringing back these memories :)